Julia Lazareck is the founder of Prison: The Hidden Sentence and co-founder of Prison Families Alliance along with co-founder Barbara Allan. They are both passionate about supporting anyone who has a loved one in the carceral system and raising awareness about the effects of incarceration on families and communities You can find their must-read books on Amazon, for anyone with children or a loved one in the carceral system. Drawing from their own journeys, Julia and Barbara share stories, touching on the challenges they’ve encountered and the strategies they’ve employed to cope while having a loved one incarcerated during the holidays. From poignant moments to practical advice, they discuss ways families can honor their absent loved ones and celebrate together, despite the physical distance.
Amidst the difficulties, they highlight the power of support groups like Prison Families Alliance (PFA), underscoring the invaluable role such communities play in providing guidance and understanding during these tough moments. Offering suggestions and ideas for creating meaningful connections during the holidays, they emphasize that inclusion knows no boundaries, showing that love and celebration can transcend physical separation.
Tune in to this podcast for insights, encouragement, and practical tips to navigate the holidays when a loved one is incarcerated. Whether it’s your first holiday or you’re looking for new ways to connect, Julia and Barbara’s words will offer solace and inspiration, reminding you that with support and resilience, you can make the holidays special, even with an empty seat at the table.
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Listen to the podcast here
Navigating The Holidays With An Incarcerated Loved One – Live Broadcast Recording 1
I started this journey when my brother was incarcerated and I didn’t have any information. I didn’t know what to do. When he went to prison, he was incarcerated, I felt shame, guilt, and pain. The would have, could have, and should have. What is it that I could have done? The stigma. It was difficult, especially, during the holidays. That’s why Barbara and I thought that this would be good to have during the holidays for anybody who has a loved one who is in the carceral system.
Anytime you lose somebody and you have that empty seat at the table, it’s difficult. We wanted to take these three sessions that we are doing and tell you a little bit about our stories, but then also hear your stories, get information from other people, and see how we can make it through the holidays, how we can navigate through the holidays, and how we can make new traditions because this is the new normal. I’m going to say Barbararism later, but it’s like Alice In Wonderland, nothing is as it seems.
As we move forward, we are going to learn how to traverse through this new system and how to take care of ourselves. My brother was incarcerated and he had a life sentence. He served fifteen years of that life sentence because he died of Hepatitis C. My brother did serve his life sentence. After he passed I realized that I was grieving at his loss, but then I also realized that for the fifteen years that he was incarcerated, I was grieving.
All of these feelings that I had were a culmination of him not being there, missing him and him not being at the table. I remember that first Thanksgiving, my brother was incarcerated before Thanksgiving. I will never forget sitting there at the table with my family, having that empty seat and nobody spoke about him. Even though he wasn’t there, we didn’t talk about it. I think it was because we didn’t know how.
Having Prison Families Alliance, which is a support group for those of you who haven’t heard of it, Prison Families Alliance provides support for the prison family. For family members on the outside who don’t have anybody to talk to, who might not have the information that they need. We have several meetings a month and maybe we could bring up the Calendar to show people that we are here to support each other so nobody has to go through this journey alone.
If you look at the calendar here, this is a sample of the meetings that we have to address all the different challenges that we as family and friends on the outside face. You can get more information about the Prison Families Alliance at PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org. We invite everybody to join us. We are happy that you are here. We are here to talk about how we navigate through the holidays. How do we get through these times because it can be difficult?
I’d like to bring Barbara. I want to let you know that Barbara and I are authors. My book is Prison: The Hidden Sentence. When my brother was incarcerated, I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea. I didn’t know where to go. I wrote this because this says all of the information that I wish I knew and had when my brother was incarcerated and going through the whole process when he was arrested when he went to court when he was incarcerated, and then also what happens when somebody is in prison if they are ill or like my brother passes away.
Most importantly, what’s in here is how to take care of yourself because if you are not healthy, whether it’s getting through the holidays, every day or visitation, those phone calls, or whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself. That’s what this is about. That’s what the Prison Families Alliance is about.
Barbara’s book, Doing Our Time on the Outside is her journey and story. I’m going to let you learn about it from her because she tells it way more eloquently than I can. Barbara, to me, is the heart of the Prison Family. She’s the matriarch of the support groups of helping people. She’s helped thousands of people over the years. I’m such an honor to be a part of this with her. Thank you, Barbara. One more last thing. You can get these books on Amazon. I highly recommend them. They are very helpful for anything you are going through.
As Julia said, I’m Barbara. Julia is a very hard act to follow. She says many meaningful things. I hope to add to some of what she said to make it a little bit easier to get through the coming holidays. It was my husband who went to prison back in 1966. I know some of you weren’t even born then. In 1966 on December 8th right before the holidays, my husband shot and killed his father in my kitchen.
Believe me, even after all these many years, it’s very hard for me to say that. You must know so that you know that you can survive. We are all survivors. I say that we, the families, are the collateral damage of the carceral system. Carceral, we used to call it a criminal justice system, but there is no justice. The name has been changed and there’s no justice for the person who’s incarcerated, nor for us who are on the outside. We are forgotten, but we cannot forget.
When my husband went to prison, I was left with two small children. I have children who are thirteen months apart. They were about 2-ish and 3-ish at the time he went away. I was left with no support whatsoever as I know many of you feel when you thrust into this world that there is no support, “Where am I going to go? How am I going to get through this alone?” That’s how I felt, the loneliness. I never knew anyone who had ever been in prison jail. I had an experience as a student.
I have minored in Sociology. My class went to the notorious Rikers Island, the jail in New York City. I remember as a student going into that jail and saying, “They are putting people in cages.” This is the 19th century and people are locked up in cages. I went back and I lived my life until it happened to me. The only comfort I felt and the only time I felt to breathe was when I was with other families on the lines waiting to go into visit. That was my first initiation.
As all of us who are on this show know and realize it’s when the arrest first happens and we go into the county jails, with no idea what lies ahead of us and alien. For me, it was the Nassau County Jail in Long Island. I’m from New York. I went to the jail. I looked around and saw other people. These people all going to visit someone one at a time. Somebody behind me in line, I asked a question and I got it. They understood.
We were going through a similar experience. Through those people, I started meeting at the county jail, and a little group formed, they call it a grassroots group, but we were a couple of families who were all doing our time on the outside. We held onto one another for life support jackets. As I was talking to these people and realized that maybe I could say a couple of things that would make it better for them. It grew until we formed a group called Prison Families Anonymous. Anonymous was because of the stigma we all feel.
Many years later, I was fortunate enough to meet Julia at the International Prison Family Conference. Julia and I were both there for a couple of years, participated, and got to like each other. Come the pandemic, neither of us could continue with the in-person groups that we were both facilitating. We decided to go virtual and doing and start this wonderful group with all the wonderful people we met. Our goal is only to help you not to have to go through this journey by yourself.
We are here for you. We understand. When Gene was arrested on December 8th, my family celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. Gene had already brought me a little gift. He had it in a little box on the fireplace. It was Chanel 5. That was the Christmas gift he never got to give me. Thank you very much to all of you. I wanted to show you our logo. It’s a heart behind bars. That’s where our hearts are.
It will be good to see you. I was eating my candy cane and I find that sometimes during the holidays or when I’m sad or thinking of somebody who wasn’t there, a candy cane makes me happy. It’s good to bring people in and do things that you like. Barbara, what are some things that make you happy?
I will tell you one thing. We talked about the empty chair. Many holidays after I caught my breath and understood what my life was and what it was going to be, I tried to fill that empty chair by inviting someone over to share the holiday with me. I have done that for many years and still do. It’s either someone who’s formally incarcerated and doesn’t have a family or a family member who has no place to go. That’s wonderful. My goal has always been for no one to have to take this journey on their own. We could do it one day, one person, and one holiday at a time.
We made it through Thanksgiving. We are all here. That was nice what you said about bringing other people in. If there are other people in your neighborhood, other people in your family, or other friends who don’t have anybody, you still have that empty seat. It’s not like you are filling it, but it’s an and. You are adding joy because giving and receiving are the same. Even though your heart might be broken because your loved one isn’t there, giving and bringing other people in could bring some joy and happiness and make things a little easier during the holidays.
A few other things we were talking about. I know that we have had many support meetings and learned from many of our families, “What do you do during the holidays?” We have asked some of them to call in. Some of the things that they said that help is if they can visit on a holiday and make that special. Have you ever visited Gene on a holiday?
I’m not sure if it was a day of the holidays. I told you he went to prison. It was in 1966. It was a long time ago. I’m old. Let me say that. I sometimes forget things. I’m going to cop out to that. I remember one holiday when my daughter, who maybe by then was four, brought a little rock. They had painted a rock in this preschool. I’m not sure if it was a Father’s Day gift or if it was a holiday gift, but it was for the father.
My daughter wanted to bring the rock and went to visit her father. That did not go over the correction officers. They did not want my daughter to bring a rock. She wanted to. Sometimes you have to laugh at it. I often say, “If you don’t laugh, you cry.” There’s so much that we could cry about. Laughter has always been a good tool for me to use.
You did that in your meetings too. I love that you can inject joy no matter how difficult things can be.
Your heart could be broken. It happened to me a long time ago and maybe because I have been doing this work for so long and and never stopped. I still feel it sometimes. You go on. You have to. We have no choice. Holiday or not. I know that the prisons have vendors. You go into the machines.
Vending machine.
I know many families who go on the holidays and they share a meal from the vending machine. Sometimes we have to say, “It’s just a day. Today is a holiday. It’s Christmas. It’s Father’s Day. It’s his birthday, but it’s a day.” As I tell our families, “You could get through one day if you know you don’t have to do this for the rest of your life. You are just doing it for today. Today I will have a sandwich from the vending machine and I will be with my loved one, but it won’t be forever. Tomorrow you go back to a regular life.”
We have to play games with ourselves. We have to fool ourselves a little bit, but it’s doable. I have done it. I’m not saying my husband was in prison all those years, but when he came out of prison, as many of you know, we had as many problems. He frequently flies back over the years. I’d have him home, he’d be sober for a while, then go back and have to start it all over again. You can survive and laugh.
It’s a journey. Look at us. We have made it through it. We are here to support each other. Alexis, do you have a story that you’d like to share about how you handled the holidays?
My mom was incarcerated. My son and I used to visit her throughout the holidays. I think she was in for four years. Everything Barbara said is true. The vending machine, holiday meals, we would go every Christmas, every Thanksgiving. Now that she’s home, she lives with me and my son. We still have memories of both times. It’s important to recognize the times I did have with her, even if she was wearing green. We still tried to make a point of being part of the celebration. When we couldn’t, we would do letters back and forth. It is about making the best of the situation. I learned from my son that you have to play a game with yourself for sure.
I know that having a young son and it being your mom, how did you get through the first holiday?
She was sentenced on my son’s third birthday, which was in August. We did Thanksgiving after she was transferred to the prison she was assigned to. It was a strange experience. For the first two years of visiting, my son thought she was at a schoolhouse teaching the correctional officers how to be nice to the women.
It was a game that he played. That first Thanksgiving was eye-opening. I remember waiting in the line outside very cold and you befriended people you never thought you would be friends and you guys all have one thing in common. You are there to visit a loved one on a holiday. It’s funny to say this, but there are certain aspects that you miss and my son misses too, but we are glad to have her home Turkey from a vending machine, like a Turkey sandwich, which is a little bit different than Turkey that you cook in your oven. It comes down to being creative and putting in the effort to have that relationship with your loved one.
I appreciate you sharing and I know you guys have been through a lot. You are making new traditions and moving forward together. I was wondering if you have any words of advice for other people on something that could help them get through the upcoming holidays, whether it’s Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or whatever people celebrate. What can you provide you think could help somebody else?
I didn’t realize this at the time, but I wound up going to grad school to get my degree in Social Work while my mom was incarcerated. Looking back, I wish I had taken my advice and focused on myself. Worrying about what is going on with your loved one is very difficult. A lot of times you have to give yourself a couple of minutes each day to realize that you can’t control the situation. You loved them and you are doing everything you can for them. You cannot do that unless you are taking care of yourself.
That’s the best advice I could think of.
It’s hard, but you have to set an alarm on your clock. That’s what I had to do many times. It could be drinking enough water during the day you stay hydrated. We forget to do that when we are focused on other things.
Thank you so much. Self-care is important. Thank you for calling in. We appreciate it.
Happy holidays ahead.
It’s true, Barbara, as far as self-care, we talk about that in our meetings.
It’s easy to forget about ourselves because we are so focused. I know people who feel if they do something good for themselves if they go on a trip or to a theater, they feel guilty because their loved ones can’t do that. We have to work on that because by harming ourselves and not being good to ourselves, we are not helping our loved ones. I thought that by sitting in the house and crying. My husband’s, my son’s life, my mother’s, or whoever, their lives would be better. I say, “Go sit in the corner and cry,” but you are not making their lives better and you are not doing anything for yourself.
By not being good to ourselves, we're not helping our loved ones. Share on XSetting time aside to be sad is okay, but you need to get up. If you need to stay in your pajamas one day for self-care, that’s fine, but the next day you get up and get dressed. You take a shower and get dressed. You move on. You have got to take care of yourself. It was so true. It’s not helping them. The better and healthier you are, the better you can help your loved ones. The more you can help them, the happier they are going to be. They are going to do better in their situation where they are in the carceral system and keeping that relationship together for when they are released.
I learned this in the course that I took. I say it in a lot of meetings. You have to let your emotions out. You have to feel your feelings. They are valid, you are sad, unhappy, and angry. That’s okay, but what do you do with it? You can pick a time every day and say, “At 5:00, I’m going to go into my room, cry, and bang my pillows, but I’m only doing it for a half hour, but I’m going to do it.” Do it. Get it all out. You are in control because you know in a half hour you have got to get out of there and live. I have tried that. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Try it. We have to do whatever we can to get through this. That’s one tool that I learned.
Let’s talk about when that happens during the holidays. Let’s go back to Thanksgiving. The whole family is there and you are missing your loved one. For me, I would go into the bathroom and get it out, release my feelings, wash my face, and come back out. That’s one of the things that I did. What are some other things that we can do during the holidays if we miss our loved ones?
I remember one holiday. It must have been Christmas day. I decided to go to where they were giving out food. As I celebrate Hanukkah not Christmas, I thought, that would be a good thing for me to do and that’s something you can do. I’m very much a believer that if you do good for other people, it comes back to you. It’s such a good feeling. Especially if you have children, you have to make the holiday fun. Do you suggest sharing your gifts, you and the kids received the Christmas Hanukkah center with your loved one in prison.
You can’t share it physically, but we talk about sharing the holidays with their loved ones by sending pictures and talking about it because the person who’s incarcerated is still part of your family. Talking about what you did during the holidays, what the children got, and for your loved one to be a part of those decisions, especially if it’s a spouse, that they should have as much say as the spouse that’s on the outside like, “What are we going to get for little Johnny? What are we going to get for Kira?” Make sure that your loved one is a part of those decisions. That’s part of it.
Say to your child that the gift is from your mother and father, brother, or whoever is away that the gift is because it is from their heart. They may not be able to buy the gift, but you know that they are part of it. For Christmas, for the past many years, Prison Families then it was Prison Families Anonymous gone to our county jails and given toys out to the children who visit. I find, in some way, to make life better for other children who might have a parent or sibling incarcerated. Toys For Tax or whatever organization reminds them that this population of children can use help also.
Prison Families Alliance here over the past couple of years during the pandemic when couldn’t go into the jails to give the gifts that we have provided gift certificates. There’s still time, if anybody wants to make a donation to PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org, you can go on to the Donate page and make a donation and that will go towards gift certificates for our families. That’s what we continue to do.
If anyone needs to make a little contribution to make their lives in the children’s lives matter, let us know. If you don’t let us know, we can’t help you when we’d love to. That’s what we do. That’s what we want to do.
We are here for support. We are talking about the holidays and things that we could do during the holidays. If anybody out there has a suggestion or wants to share something they have done or has a question, you can call. Let’s share some of the things that her family did during the holidays which were helpful. We talked about self-care and how important self-care is. I know when my brother was incarcerated, I did not take care of myself. There were many things that I didn’t know. We talked to a lot of families and they are appreciative that they found Prison Families Alliance or read the blog that they don’t feel alone and they are getting the information that they need.
Number one is self-care because if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anybody else. I wanted to share a meeting we had. We talked about things that people do. One person was talking about decorating that every year she would decorate for Christmas. Her son is incarcerated. She said, “This year I want to put up a wreath. I don’t feel like decorating. It wasn’t out of depression. It was for any other reason that this is how I feel.”
That’s okay. If you don’t feel like decorating, if you want to do a little decorating, that’s fine. Do it out of what is working for you that you think is healthy for you. It’s not going into a whole and saying, “I’m not participating.” It’s saying, “Why don’t I want to?” “I think that this year I want to do a little bit of decorating,” and that’s fine. The point is you do what’s right for you.
There are no shoulds or musts. That’s very much in line with what you are saying. I see whether some things others can do to support PFA.
There are a lot of things people can do. If you need support, we are here. During the holidays, we have meetings. People can come to meetings. If you have a family that needs a little extra support, we’d love to provide some gift certificates to them to make the holidays a little bit easier for them. I’m being told how can they support us personally. It is through donations.
The more that we have a lot that we want to do moving forward. If anybody wants to make donations, you can go to PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org to the Donate page. Also, if anybody wants to volunteer, because like we said earlier, giving and receiving are the same. A lot of times people will say, “Let me do this for you.” You are like, “No.”
Their offering is their receiving because when somebody does something good, it feels good to them. It’s not only helping you, but it’s helping them. If you are in a position to do any type of volunteering, that would be great. If you want to create any groups in person in your area, we’d be more than happy to help support you there. That’s supporting us because it’s supporting our families. We are all about supporting our families.
Them offering is also them receiving because when somebody does something good, it feels good to them. It's not only helping you, but it's helping them. Share on XIf you look at the statistics, even though the United States has only 5% of the world’s population, we will have over 20% of the incarcerated population. We have about 2 million people in the prisons in state and federal prisons then another 5 million people that are in jails, parole, and probation. If you take all those numbers, you take all of the family numbers, there are millions of people out there that don’t have the support and information that they need.
We want them to come to Prison Families Alliance and Prison: The Hidden Sentence. We want them to get the information they need. We want to be able to provide the resources. We want to strengthen people. We want to create awareness because the more that people know, the healthier people are, the bigger voice we can have. That’s how we can move forward and work with people in the carceral system and make change. It’s one big puzzle and we are bringing all the pieces together so that we can support each other. Roundabout is how you can support PFA volunteers and donations. Get involved.
Also by getting strong and being an advocate. There are many organizations out there that we could join with who are doing advocacy work. I know I’m going to be presenting. In person, I have to have pants on. I’m going to go and speak about the program Community Not Cages. It’s an organization that I work with and we are going to be presenting how we can change the whole philosophy of locking people up and putting them into community-based programs rather than prisons.
We are working on getting clemency for people who have been away for a very long time. I work with a group called RAPP or Release Aging People in Prison. They are working with a parole group and parole preparation. There’s so much out there. We can’t participate in those organizations until we strengthen ourselves. We start with us and then we branch out to the community and hope to make changes so that there won’t be that many families. We don’t want to have many families who need us. There should not be mass incarceration. Many people go to jail and some of the states still have capital punishment. These are the things that affect our families, but we have to be strong ourselves to be able to advocate for the system.
We are the group that nobody wants to belong to, but we are glad you are here. We do have another question that somebody put in there, “If you do volunteer for an in-person group, how do you get people to participate?” It all depends on where you are. We have facilitators across the United States. However, if you are in an area where there is not a facilitator or somebody from PFA, we can work together. There are a lot of things we can do to get a group started. We will work with anybody that wants to do that.
If there’s already a group in your area, we collaborate with a lot of groups that are out there. We are not the one-and-done. There are a lot of groups out there and our goal is to be as collaborative as possible with the groups that are out there that are doing the good work. We are here to educate people and raise awareness, but also to work with law enforcement, attorneys, and other people who are out there because that’s the only way we are going to make change.
Going back to the support group, reach out to us. You can email Connect@PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org. One of our volunteers will get back to you. If anybody has any other questions, you can email us and we will do whatever we can to support you and get things going. It’s important that we keep the communication going. Barbara spoke about the International Prisoners Family Conference where we met. The name changed to Connecting for Justice.
There are a lot of programs out there and conferences. We will be sharing information about that. Any other events that we hear about that we support, we will go ahead and share that information. I know in Barbara’s book she has information on starting a group. PFA be more than happy to support anybody.
You only need one other person to start a group. If you have one other person, you have the beginnings of a support group, you support each other. As I said at Prison Families Anonymous many years ago, I met other people and that’s how we started. It was not anything formal.
That’s how Donna, who started the group that I was involved with here in Las Vegas, the same thing, friends and family of incarcerated persons were the same. People coming together I think that’s happening across the United States. If there are other groups out there that are grassroots that would like to share information, if there’s anybody on here that is part of another group, feel free to let us know because we are stronger together. The more support we can provide, the stronger we will be.
We are going to wrap it up here. Are there any other questions out there, any suggestions, or anything that anybody has done that they want to share because we have guests coming on in the next episodes? There are several things. We have more information that we want to share, other things that people can do, and other traditions you can create. We didn’t talk about a few things that people might want to do during the holidays. There are a few treats and things that families do that they want to share with us. We hope you all come back. Is there anything else that anybody has and I will pass it over to Barbara?
I’m glad that we had this time together. Someone said, “I didn’t make that one up,” but I am very glad that we are here. I hope that we helped you a little bit. Whatever we do, one little piece at a time if we were able to help someone get through the holidays. If you call Julia at the connect PFA, I’m always happy to speak with you. Sometimes it helps during the holiday to talk to someone and know you are not alone. We are here.
Our volunteers do return calls and emails. That’s another thing that people come to us and they will call and say, “Somebody answered the phone.” We have volunteers. It’s not a woman or man 24 hours a day, but we do answer the phone. We do return calls. Somebody had put in their churches in Al-Anon and we have locally here that we have met in churches. That is a good place to find meeting places. That’s something we discuss if you want to do that.
We are the Al-Anon of the criminal justice system. We are not incarcerated but our loved ones are. When you think of Al-Anon and the support that they do, that’s what we do except for the criminal justice system. That’s how a lot of times we explain it to people. I know that some of the things when Barbara started her organization followed some of that because there are many similarities.
When I started Prison Families Anonymous, I was a member of Al-Anon and I went to their main whatever they are called. I asked if we could use their opening. The opening that we devised for Prison Families Anonymous and we use part of it for Prison Families Alliance came right from Al-Anon.
It’s important. It’s proven. We are not here to reinvent the wheel. We are going to close. I want to thank everybody for being with us. If you have any questions, check out our website. We are going to get you through the holidays. We are going to get through it together. Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, everyone, and Julia.
Important Links
- PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org
- Prison: The Hidden Sentence
- Doing Our Time on the Outside
- Connect@PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org
- Calendar
- Community Not Cages
About Barbara Allan
Barbara Allan’s life took an unexpected turn in 1966 when her husband’s imprisonment thrust her into a world she had never known. As a devoted schoolteacher, wife, and mother with no prior involvement in the criminal justice system, she grappled with feelings of isolation and confusion. Yet, in her search for solace, she discovered a community of individuals enduring similar pain.
Driven by her own journey, Barbara became a beacon of support by founding Prison Families Anonymous. Over the years, she has touched the lives of thousands, offering guidance and empathy to those navigating the complexities of having a loved one incarcerated. Her profound experiences culminated in the memoir “Doing Our Time on the Outside,” a testament to resilience and the human spirit.
Barbara’s advocacy extended far beyond personal narratives. She has addressed legislators, senate committees, and commissioners, shedding light on the challenges faced by families affected by incarceration. Her impactful writings, including a published piece in the Congressional Record, have amplified the voices of those often unheard.
Barbara co-founded Prison Families Alliance (PFA), an organization that extends its reach across the United States, providing vital support groups for anyone who has a loved one in the carceral system. As a co-founder, she champions a cause close to her heart, recognizing the hidden sentences served by families outside prison walls.
Barbara Allan stands as a compassionate leader and advocate, tirelessly working towards positive change and offering hope to those families outside the bars. Her unwavering dedication continues to pave the way for support and understanding in a challenging landscape.
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