Navigating The Holidays With An Incarcerated Loved One – Live Broadcast Recording 3

 

The primary mission of the Prison Families Alliance (PFA) is to elevate awareness about the far-reaching effects of incarceration on families and communities and to support those on the outside who have loved ones in the carceral system. In this podcast, you’ll hear from guests who share their experiences and innovative approaches to supporting individuals who navigate the holidays with an incarcerated loved one. Listen in as a coach offers advice on maintaining well-being, a jail personnel shares insights on holidays for visitors, and experts provide tips on sending pictures to loved ones. Gain invaluable insights from those actively supporting prison families. Join us for this discussion on navigating holidays while having a loved one incarcerated. Julia, Barbara Allan, and our esteemed guests remind us that with resilience and support, any moment without our loved one physically present can still hold significance. Together, we can thrive and forge new ways to navigate these challenging situations.

https://PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org

https://PrisonTheHiddenSentence.com

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Listen to the podcast here

 

Navigating The Holidays With An Incarcerated Loved One – Live Broadcast Recording 3

I’m the Founder of Prison: The Hidden Sentence. I’m also the Cofounder of Prison Families Alliance along with Barbara Allan, who will be joining us shortly. We’re doing these episodes, and this is the 3rd of 3, to talk about navigating the holidays when we have an incarcerated loved one. We know during those times, it could be really difficult.

I’m not feeling well. I’ve been sick for a while. It really made me think about the holidays when we’ve got a lot of stress, when we’re worried, when we have somebody that’s incarcerated or anything that’s going on. It affects our immune system. During this time, we need to take care of ourselves. For myself, being under the weather is a way for me to share that with everybody because it might be happening to you during the holidays. Remember to take better care of yourself, especially when you’re feeling a little stressed and under the weather.

In the last two episodes, Barbara and I have introduced ourselves and told our stories. I wanted to remind you that Barbara and I are authors. We have written books here that I want to share. Barbara has written Doing Our Time on the Outside, which is her story. It has a lot of good, helpful information. If you’re feeling like you need a little bit more information or a little bit more help during the holidays or any time, this would be a great book.

There’s also Prison: The Hidden Sentence, which is my book. It is what I wish I had known when my brother was incarcerated. It has everything that I wish I knew. These books can be purchased on Amazon. I wanted to share that with you. I wanted to share taking care of yourself as we go through this. We’ve said throughout all of the episodes that taking care of yourself is the most important. I’d like to bring Barbara on.

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Barbara, how are you doing?

It’s good to see you even though we’re long distance.

I know. It’s so great. That’s another thing, too. You can be together during the holidays. Maybe there are people you don’t see. Getting together on Zoom, live, or however is really helpful too. How are you doing during the holidays?

I’m doing okay. I spent almost all day buying toys. We are lucky enough to be allowed to go into our county jail. During the Christmas week, we give out toys to the children who come to visit. That is the best feeling in the world. I had so much fun looking for toys for infants and teenagers. For teenagers, it’s hard to get toys because they’re all into electronics, so we have gift cards that will be given to the teenagers. I’ve been doing this for over 30 years.

That’s amazing. That is so wonderful. It makes you feel so good. Getting those toys, getting to see the kids, and handing them out must feel so good.

Do you know what’s so wonderful about it? When a child goes to jail, they’re visiting either a father, a grandfather, a brother, or someone. They’re not happy. Believe me. When they see that table lined with all kinds of toys, we tell them, “That’s from the person who is inside. They left that out here for you. When you leave, you can pick any toy you want,” they’re so excited. To me, this is the best part of the holidays and has been for all these years. I hope we can continue doing this as long as I can still walk into that jail.

I wish we could do it at other jails. I know that we’ve asked here. Maybe someday, we’ll have permission to do that. It’s wonderful that you’ve been able to do that and have permission to do it. Also, you brought up something. We spoke about this in a previous session. When somebody is incarcerated and they want to get something for their child, if it can’t be at the jail like what’s going on in your area, when the family does give a present, it’s important that they let their child know that the person that’s incarcerated, it’s from them. That was something you had spoken about in the past.

When my husband went to prison, my two children were not allowed into the jail. At that time, the county jail in our community, the one I’m going into, if you are under sixteen, you are not allowed to visit the jail. Thank goodness we’ve seen strides and that’s no longer the case. I know what it was back then when he wasn’t there to give them their gifts. It was from Daddy and Mommy.

It’s so important to keep the family together because children really need to stay connected with their family. I’d like to bring in Davina. We have a guest here with me. Davina, you can introduce yourself and we could talk more about the impacts on children and families.

My name is Davina Hehn. I’m an anger management specialist here in Las Vegas. I work mainly with families, individuals, and couples in navigating conflict and being able to tolerate conflict in a way that gets us toward repair and deepening our connections with one another. We’ve seen an uptick around the holidays of this underlying stress and discomfort around having challenging conversations, especially when we’re missing those loved ones who are incarcerated that we don’t get the time with. How can we acknowledge the time that we’re missing them while also still enjoying the time that we have with everyone else who is on the outside?

Thank you. It’s so important for children to stay connected with their families. I really appreciate that. What else have you been seeing? Is there anything you could share? It may be things that families are doing to stay connected.

One of the biggest things that I’ve been seeing, and that I always advocate for, is talking about the uncomfortable. We want to be able to acknowledge that this person is not here with us and even to your and Barbara’s point of keeping the children aware of where these gifts are coming from. It’s not because they’re not here presently that it means they’re gone entirely and we don’t acknowledge where they are and bring life to that. With our kids and loved ones, we tend to shy away from these challenging conversations, especially any that might bring about discomfort.

The more we can advocate for them and keep them here in our hearts and every day, the more comfortable we can all be and the more we can enjoy everything else. We’re seeing a lot more of that. I’m seeing a lot of clients wanting to come in and learn how to do this and really enrich the relationships that they have and connect more.

The more we can advocate for our incarcerated loved ones and keep them here in our hearts, the more comfortable we can all be and the more we can enjoy everything else. Share on X

It’s so important. We appreciate all the work that you’re doing, too. If somebody has somebody to talk to, whether they’re coming to a Prison Families Alliance support group meeting or if they’re going to speak to somebody getting additional support, it is so important. We keep saying keeping the family together is so important. On my show, I’ve interviewed youth. It doesn’t matter where their parent is. They still love their parent. If there are no extenuating circumstances why they can’t be together, they need that, especially during the holidays and maybe creating new traditions. What are some things that you think some of the families can do to create a new tradition? It’s something that even though the parent isn’t there, they can do it together. It could be sending a card or something that they’re starting to do.

It’s to acknowledge that. A lot of the reason why we feel so lonely around the holidays is because we don’t feel super skilled in our ability to address these things and navigate these things. What we always recommend is having a place for the person who isn’t here with us. We can enjoy the time for them. We do an activity or a craft, whatever that might be, with them in mind. Set an actual place for them. Everything that we consolidate during that time that’s not perishable, we send over to them once that’s done or once visitation’s available.

It’s a way that because they’re not here with us doesn’t mean that they are forgotten. It doesn’t mean that we are not allowed to acknowledge them and how much we miss them. We can maybe even set aside some time during the meal to address them and talk to each other about the struggles that we’re having and being able to miss them, too. The holidays can be good and really beautiful. It’s a grieving period as well.

In one of the past sessions, somebody said that they would collect things. They have a box for their loved ones. If it’s something that the child can’t bring to the prison, they can set that aside. When their parent comes home, they can share it with them.

We sometimes view those who are incarcerated as on pause. In some ways, they are, but that doesn’t mean that they have to be. We can find ways to include them in our day-to-day things. Celebrations and holidays are no different.

 

That’s wonderful because we’re talking about the holidays, how to navigate the holidays, and things that we can do. We’ve spoken about all kinds of things that other people are doing. I’d like to come back to this. We do have another guest that we’d like to bring on. Her name is Denise Guest from Yavapai, Arizona. She’s going to talk more about where she’s from. Denise, if you could tell us more about what you do and share some of the things that we spoke about, then we’ll come on after you share with us. Thank you.

Thank you. First, I want to say thank you to Julia and Barbara for everything that they do. Prison Families Alliance is an incredible support group. I want to say thank you for everything that you guys do. My name is Denise Guest. I work for the Yavapai County Detention Center in Yavapai County, Arizona. I work with the inmates. We do a lot of inmate support by helping them get things done in the jail. Notaries, books, and anything that they need to get done, we work with that.

Also, I work with the families that come in for visitation. We have a visitation center that is set up for the families to come in and be able to visit, unfortunately, on a monitor. They’re still in-person visits, but we need to get them in so they can have a good, comfortable experience. We really work towards making the families and kids that come in have an enjoyable visit with positive motivational things that are set up here in the center.

Inside the jail, we always try to decorate for the holidays and make it as festive as possible, not only for the families but for the inmates, too. We get a little bit crazy when we dress up in our holiday garb, but it is what it is. Inmates and their families enjoy it. We do work to make them comfortable and help them have as good of an experience as they can have when they’re here visiting the jail.

Thank you so much. I thought it was so important to bring you on because people need to realize that a lot of people who are working in the jails and the prisons do care and want to make things special for when families come to visit. You also speak to the families when they come in. Are there any stories you can share when a family came in that maybe you helped them or that there was a special unity when they saw their loved one? You’re uniting them together. Could you share any stories that you have?

When families come in, especially when they come in for the first time, they’re nervous and upset. A lot of them have tears in their eyes when they’re walking in the door. It’s not a comfortable feeling. It’s something that they’re so out of place. Getting them in, getting them comfortable in a booth, sitting down and talking to them, and getting their loved one on the monitor and set up to talk, sometimes, it’s very tearful. When they get done, I have my box of Kleenex. I have my bottles of water here for them. We usually chat for a few minutes until they’re comfortable, calm down, and breathe.  When they walk out the door, they’re feeling okay.

Getting them involved in this group is going to be very helpful. As time goes by and goes on as they come in, they’re more comfortable. They try to work with the inmate and bring down their anger on the inside, too. Making them comfortable when they’re here helps make them more comfortable when they’re talking to their loved ones. That’s a big part of what I do here.

It’s so wonderful. Don’t you agree to have somebody there when you visit who will hand you a tissue? I think of when I visited my brother. I didn’t have people who were so compassionate to me. Thinking of somebody who had said a nice word, given me a bottle of water, or showed that they cared would’ve made that drive home so much easier. Also, you’re there when they come in. You said that they’re calm when they go to visit their loved ones. How much better is it when somebody goes in to see somebody that’s incarcerated and they’re calmer?

Especially when we’re talking about Denise’s point of that anger that exists within us, it is being able to acknowledge it and being able to talk openly about that with our loved one who is incarcerated. It doesn’t have to be all cupcakes and rainbows and pretending like we’re not going to have to separate very shortly after this visit. It really does allow us to acknowledge this grief that’s in the room and get on the same page about it. That way, when the family leaves and the inmate does go back in, no one feels like anything was left unsaid or that they’re not being heard and understood. Usually, the quickest thing to reduce that anger is feeling heard.

 

Denise, we appreciate your time here, sharing, and what you’re doing out there working with the families, especially during the holidays. Think about when you go to visit and you walk in and the person there that’s bringing you in or signing you in is dressed up, festive, and maybe smiling. Denise has a great personality.

To have somebody like her out there, we hope that more people who read this who may be in law enforcement, students that are going into law enforcement, or anything like that take something from this. You can be festive. The more festive you are, the better it is for the families. We appreciate what you’re doing and the support you’re giving to the families out there. Thank you so much for your time, Denise. We appreciate you.

Thank you. Take care.

Barbara, how are you doing?

I’m okay. I was listening and thinking how wonderful it is to have someone who is there for you when you get into that room. I have a question. I wonder whether these visits are all video visits. Here, we have contact visits where people can hold one another’s hands and have some kind of human touch.

Is that in the jail?

In the jail and most of the prisons.

I know most prisons, but let’s ask Denise. She’s still out there, so let’s ask her. What are the visits like there? Is it video?

They’re all video visits. Having a large population here, it’s very difficult to have in-person visits. It takes a lot of staff to have in-person visits. Sometimes, you can’t do it.

Denise, it’s like that here too. The prisons are in-person, but the jails are video, too.

They weren’t always in our jails, but it makes such a big difference when you can go in and hug somebody. I was even thinking when you were speaking laughingly to myself, “How about some missile toe?”

That’s wonderful. Leave it to Barbara to always add a little humor because you have to laugh. You have to have humor. You got to have joy. We have to add that. You brought up a great point, Barbara, because, in every city and every state, it’s not the same. In New York or where you are in New York in jails, they can have in-person.

Here, where we are in Las Vegas, it’s not in person. It’s not in Yavapai. Maybe in other parts of the state or other states, it could be. It’s interesting. First of all, we got to get through the holidays. We’ve got to advocate for ourselves. As we get stronger, we can advocate and have a stronger voice out there for change because we know that being in person is so important.

I want to thank you for all that you do. I related so much to that box of tissues and water as you were speaking.

Thank you, Barbara.

Do you have anything else to add, Barbara, before we go on to our next guest?

Yeah. There are so many things that we can do, and they’re not all easy. I’m thinking about a parent who’s incarcerated when they have their phone visitation or however with the children. You can perhaps read a book about Santa Claus or there is some kind of tradition you can share with your child through literature or reading. That’s always a good way of relating and getting a little bit closer. We have to find whatever we can, anything that can link us.

We have to find anything that can link us. Share on X

Thank you so much. We’d like to bring in our next guest, Natalie. Is anybody else with you or is it just you?

Becky should also be on if you want to bring her on.

We have Natalie Calderon and Becky. They’re from Pelipost. They have a really good story about how they handle the holidays and things that help. Natalie, I’m going to turn it over to you. You can introduce yourselves and take a few minutes to talk about what you guys do in the holidays and what you do to help people.

I am Natalie Calderon. I’m the Chief Marketing Officer at Pelipost. We have Becky here, who is our Chief Operating Officer. She has a lot of experience with the ins and outs of celebrating holidays while being incarcerated. I’ll go ahead and turn it over to her. She can speak to it and the importance of it.

My experience from being inside during the holidays is very important because I feel that I’m able to give a little insight into what it feels like to be inside. A lot of things that I hear from the people on the outside are worried about what they can share and whether they are going to hurt our feelings inside. They don’t want to share too much because they think that it’s going to make us feel bad inside.

I can speak for myself on this one. It did not make me feel bad. The more I was shared with and the more I received, the happier it made me. It was not just me. It became a thing where if I would receive pictures, Christmas cards, or Thanksgiving cards, we shared inside of our cell, the day room, or wherever we were. It brought not just the one-person joy but a lot of people joy.

I wanted to give that insight from my point of view. It’s a gift that you’re able to see people having fun and people aging, even people. What I mean by that is you see your family once a year sometimes when it comes to the outside world. It’s the same when you’re inside. You want to see the little baby that was born last year grow up. You’re like, “He’s walking,” and take pictures of them walking. The reason I say pictures is because that was my main form of seeing life on the outside. When I would ask my son for pictures, it was so important to me. That is why he created the app. That is why we’ve been around for six years trying to make it easier for people to upload and send photos.

We are trying to make it easy because one thing that I did find, and it is a very important point, is when I was inside, all I did was wait for a mail call or the photos to come. Since I’m on the outside, I really understand my friends on the inside are waiting for photos, but I am working, running around, cleaning the house, and all the things that come with being in the outside world. That take of time like, “I haven’t found time to send these pictures. I haven’t found time to send a letter,” is so different because I got to see both worlds.

They are separated so far. One is sitting and waiting, and one is running around taking care of life, especially when they’re caregivers and all of these. What we’re trying to do is make it easier for people to upload pictures and send pictures and not have to run to the post office. We’re building a community, too, to try and share our understanding of the inside and the outside perspective.

That is so helpful, Becky. Thank you. It’s so important to hear the perspective of somebody who was incarcerated and how important that communication is especially during the holidays, to get those pictures and those letters. Becky was talking about the app and I don’t think a lot of people understand. You could read about Becky and Natalie on the show, talking about their whole story. If you could tell a little bit about how Pelipost started because of that high level and how important the pictures were. It was because of how important they were to Becky and others who were incarcerated.

For those of you who don’t know, Pelipost is a mobile app where loved ones on the outside can upload their photos easily from their smartphone. At Pelipost, those get transmitted to us and we physically print them and ship them to correctional facilities across the United States. It’s an easier way to send photos rather than having to send them to a Walgreens or this and having to go pick them up. It gives you that privacy of having them printed and not having to go pick them up. It cuts out all that time wasted. We print them the next business day and send them out.

 

We specialize in correctional facility delivery, so we have that insight into what should be accepted and what shouldn’t. We try to help our customers navigate this whole new world. For some people who are new and have never had an incarcerated loved one, it can be very difficult and emotional. That’s why we try to bridge that gap and emotions and try to make it more positive. We have a blog where we try to explain how things work and things like that. Julia, you have a whole book about what you wish you would’ve known. We try to do the same thing. That’s how it works.

It got started with Becky’s son. She was incarcerated while he was in college. That’s a busy time for a kid. He had to work. He was going to classes. She was incarcerated 3 and a half hours or 4 hours away from him, so it was very difficult to stay in touch and visit as often as he wanted. She was always asking for pictures. He was very busy and was like, “I’ll send them to you.” I don’t think he realized how important they were to her until they talked about it later.

She finally got some pictures from him eventually after he went to get them printed and mailed. They meant so much more to her than he ever could have imagined. That’s when he came up with, “There has to be an easier, faster way to do it.” He started developing this app and ran the idea with Becky. They ran with it, and here we are.

What is so amazing is not only what you guys have developed and how important pictures are especially during the holidays, which is why we brought you, but it’s that you know what each facility needs. You do your research if it has to be a certain size or a certain color or if it has to be black and white. It can be in color, a certain paper, a certain size, or whatever it is. You guys have all of that information. You do the work, so we don’t have to.

I know when we’re grieving, when we’re sad, or when we’re like, “There is one more thing I got to figure out. I’ve got to call the prison. I’ve got to look this up. What is it? Why do they change it?” because it changes all the time, you guys keep up with that. I really appreciate that. I love this story about how Becky has spoken about the joy of seeing the family. I remember that when we spoke before, especially during the holidays. I want to thank you both for coming on and giving us the perspective both inside and outside and what you’re doing to help everybody. If you could tell us, how can people get in touch with you? What is your website?

They can go to Pelipost.com. There’s everything about us. There is a video about their story and stuff like that. Also, you can order photos from there. You can download the app in Google Play or Apple App Store.

It’s really incredible what the two of you are doing, considering how you’re facilitating these connections with so much ease within them. Even if we have the time to put together a bit of a care package, it can be distressing. I can imagine that’s what makes us avoid it and maybe put it off longer. What you’re providing is incredibly helpful. You’re that middle. You’re making that connection. Thank you.

We really love helping our customers. I feel like we have one of the best customer support teams in our industry. Our reviews speak volumes. We know our customers are always on edge because of how they’re treated in instances with facilities and having to call. Their emotions are running high so we always try to be there for them and answer any questions.

We always encourage them to reach out to our support team if they don’t know what to do before they send photos. If you don’t know, we’d rather you contact us than your loved one not getting them, and it gets returned. It’s a missed opportunity for them to receive it in a timely fashion. Someone asked, “How many photos can be sent at a time? Does this depend on the facility?” You’re correct. That does depend on the facility. We do put the rules for each facility. If you choose a facility, you’ll go through the process. In there, it will only let you upload how many you’re able to send in the app. That’s correct, right, Becky?

Absolutely. Some are 5, 10 or 25. The guidelines are in the app, too. It will let you know what kind of photos they will allow and will not allow. We do our research. This is a lot of hard work, but we’re dedicated to it because we know what it means to have the pictures arrive and delivered to your loved one. I know the joy that they feel. We do our best to get that information right so that the pictures are not rejected or not sent back, but it differs. It’s in the app. Once you put down your facility information, everything that we can offer and the information we have is what we provide.

I want to thank Les for that question. Let’s see if Barbara has any questions, too. While she’s coming back on, I wanted to bring out one of the things that I learned. I was afraid to send pictures at first because I thought that it would make my brother sad. This is letting people know and letting everybody know that you’re reading to speak to your loved one to make sure that it is okay.

It brings them joy. Hearing what Becky said and speaking to other people who are incarcerated or have been incarcerated, they enjoy pictures. If your loved one wants that or it’s something that will bring them joy, you send them pictures however you do it. I sent my brother pictures. It was quite a while ago and he did enjoy them. Barbara, I didn’t know if you had anything to add.

I want to say thank you. It’s such a wonderful thing that you’re doing. I’m thinking about the different rules that every prison has. I sent a card to someone who was incarcerated. I put an address label on it and it came back to me because they changed that. We were always allowed to put a label on it. This time, it’s not allowed. With the service you provide, I wouldn’t have had to worry about that if I was sending pictures. There are so many nuances and so many things that we don’t know. It’s so wonderful that we have people like yourselves who are there to help us and lead the way.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No labels and no stamps.

That’s right.

No sparkles on your cards, either. They’ll send it back if it has a smell of some sort.

I mailed out some cards to some of the people who are incarcerated whom I communicate with. As I was putting it in the mailbox, I said, “Please. I hope they can get this because I don’t know if I did anything wrong. If I did, it was certainly unintentional.”

All the federal prisons don’t like cardstock material. We figured out a way to print them on paper that is not cardstock to allow all those incarcerated individuals to be able to receive cards. We got around the cardstock rule. We print them on a different paper. Rules are constantly changing. You have to keep up with the times to try and still get these things delivered to your loved ones.

Rules are constantly changing, and you have to keep up with the times to try and still get these things delivered to their loved ones. Share on X

That’s such great information for people who are out there and want to send things to their loved ones. It’s so frustrating when it gets returned, so having this information is important. I want to thank you again. Are there any other questions out there?

I have a question for Becky. I was curious. Since you’ve been able to see it on both sides, do you have suggestions for families who don’t know how to navigate that conversation of whether they want to receive photos or, even if they’re on the inside and don’t want to receive them, how to approach that so that they don’t offend their family members on the outside that may want to send them?

My best friend wrote to me and asked me, “Will it add joy to your life to receive pictures or is it something you prefer I don’t do?” I appreciated that so much because it was a good question. My response was, “It will add joy to my life.” All you have to do is ask. Some people may say, “It’s too hard right now,” or, “Maybe next year,” or something like that. You don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to share some joy by not asking or not finding out. That’s how I would approach it.

 

When I was incarcerated, my father was older. Seeing him sitting around at the table or seeing him at my son’s college graduation was such a gift that I had missed out on seeing that. The way I would explain it is when I was feeling so low, it felt like it was refueling my tank when I received these pictures. It made me fight to keep going. Ask. That’s all. There’s nothing wrong with that.

What you said is so important. That goes with all kinds of communication. Be open with the person. The person who’s incarcerated is still a thinking, caring person.

Exactly.

I don’t want to speak for you certainly, but I often tell the families that we have to bring reality into the prison. People will be coming home one day and we want to keep it real. Everything out here isn’t all wonderful. Thank you for that. Communication is so important.

You’re welcome.

 

Denise is out there. Denise, do you have a question? Did you have anything to add?

I don’t really have a question. I was commenting on the private chat with Natalie and Becky about how we receive these at the jail. They’re great and fabulous.

Small world.

Thank you.

They take the stress out of approving mail. They come in clean. A lot of times, photos come in and they get rejected because there’s tape on the back of the photo or they wrote it in gel ink, a roller ball, or something that is not allowed to come into the jail. This is fabulous. We love it. We love you. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I love hearing that. Thank you so much.

This is so wonderful, the information we shared for the people who are navigating what I’ll call the carceral system. As Barbara said the very first time, with the criminal justice system, there’s no justice. That was on our first episode. Traversing through the whole carceral system is so difficult, especially during the holidays.

What everybody has shared here about bringing families together, things we’ve gone through, how to send things, how to communicate, and things you can do was so wonderful. I want to thank everybody for sharing. Since we have everybody, I like to do a round-robin for any last words. As you give your last words, you can drop off.

Denise, do you have any last words for our families out here who are going through the holidays? Don’t forget. This is going to be on the website. People are going to be reading this even after the holidays. It’s things that they can do during the holidays but also special events. There are birthdays. There are anniversaries. There are all these things when our loved one isn’t there that we experience this grief or me getting sick. What is it you’d like to share?

When the families and loved ones come in, they call us a lot on the telephone and ask us questions about what they can and can’t do. My reaction with them is to try to help them stay as positive as possible because as hard as it is on the person who’s incarcerated, it’s also as hard on them. It’s difficult to go in and sit and visit on a monitor. They start crying. When they come out, it’s trying to give them that positive boost and keep it on a positive level as best you can.

Try to help the incarcerated person stay as positive as possible. Share on X

Thank you. You have a wonderful day. Thank you, Denise. Becky, do you want to go next?

I do. I have one tradition suggestion that would be amazing if people would want to try it. When you take pictures around the holiday for Christmas or whenever, you are smiling or you’re posing. When we receive it when we’re inside, it’s a picture of you. One thing that a friend of mine did is they would write on a whiteboard a message to me. They got together with a group of friends and each one wrote a different message and took the picture with it. When I receive the picture and look through it, I get their message of what they were thinking at that time. I’ve always wanted to share that because it’s an amazing idea and it made me so happy. I thought of that.

In previous sessions, we talked about creating new traditions. Think of that, a whiteboard, a big Post-it, or something to write on there. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Thank you so much, Becky. Thank you for being here and sharing your story. Have a great day. We’ll go to Natalie. Thank you, Natalie, for being here.

Some people run out of things. They’re like, “What am I going to send? I’ve already sent pictures last week. I don’t know what pictures to send anymore.” I know we had discussed that with Becky. We were like, “What else can people send?” We need to inspire people to help them stay in contact more. Some of the things that she said were like, “They would love to see you walking the dog. It may be a picture of Christmas lights. It can be simple things like what you had for dinner. It doesn’t have to be you posing in the picture.” It is those little things.

Remember. They want to see even the simplest of things. Maybe you rearranged the furniture in the living room. They would love to see it. It’s a piece of home that’s delivered to them. It helps them be still involved and see all the things that you’re doing. Everyday life is something that they would want to see. Those are some things to think about when taking pictures. Other than that, I am reminding everybody that we don’t just do photos here at Pelipost. We have greeting cards. You can do letters. We have calendars you can send in, too. They are all printed on approved paper. Think of us. We’re happy you invited us. We really appreciate you.

Thank you so much. What’s the website again?

Pelipost.com.

Thanks, Natalie. You take care.

We had a great day so far. There is so much information.

The community is out there.

There’s so much great information. One of the things we were talking about was the communication on video. We wanted to elaborate on that a little bit. You go ahead.

We were chatting in between about the idea of the virtual visits. I’m not super familiar with whether they go on-site for the virtual or whether it is possible for them to correspond in between and the ease of that as well. There has to be some benefit there if we travel long distances to see them in person or there is a bit of a go-around where we can still get that face-to-face interaction without being in person.

That would be so nice. I haven’t heard of it. Maybe Barbara has.

I have. I’ve been very involved with this over many years. When my husband was arrested, we did not have contact visits. At the county jails, the telephone and that screen or that plexiglass separated us. We had one prison in New York State that you’re all familiar with, which is Sing Sing, which is in every movie. They had contact visits, and then every other prison did not. My mission in life was to get contact visits in every prison. I went on a spree, and we did. We managed to get contact visits in every single prison in New York State.

For the video visitation, I understand it really has its benefits for people who are far away and who that’s the only contact they have. My fear is that because the walls are built to keep us out anyway because they do not want us in the prisons, they are going to use the video visitation and say, “It’s working wonderfully. Why have contact visits?” There is nothing in the world more meaningful than a hug. You hug your father or whoever it is that’s incarcerated. That’s for both parties. My fear is that they’re going to use video visitation as an excuse not to have contact visits anymore.

Prison walls are built to keep us out. They do not want us in the prisons. Share on X

What we need to do is stress how important it is. We keep saying to keep the family together, but we also talk about how important the human touch is. The more communication they have, the better the incarcerated person behaves and the healthier the family is on the outside.

That physical stimulation of that co-regulation is what helps us manage our stress more effectively. It really does allow us to regulate our emotions in such a different way than I can imagine. That being repressed and shut down will manifest into problematic behaviors.

We need to keep putting that out there and letting people who are in the prisons and the jails know how important it is. Barbara, it’s true. That’s a fear we all have that it will replace in-person. As we have our support groups, talk to people, and do sessions like this, we get out there how important it is. If it does come up where they are not letting us do in-person visits, we stand up like you have to make a difference. Thank you for everything that you’ve done and for being a partner for the Prison Families Alliance. Do you want to take a minute and tell people what Prison Families Alliance is before we wrap up?

Prison Families Alliance is a support group for families. We share our experience, our strength, and our hope. We do become a family that is in there accidentally. It is families helping families. We are not professionals. We are peers. We have the most wonderful facilitators. How many meetings do we have in a month? Is it thirteen?

We have 18 facilitators, and we have between 14 and 18 meetings. It all depends on what we’re doing that month.

I am a co-facilitator on two of the meetings. The most wonderful feeling I get is when someone says, “You’ve made a difference,” and they’re not saying it to me. They’re saying it to the group because we all share experience, strength, and hope. The logo there, a heart behind bars, is who we are. I said the calls have been elevating through the holidays. I got calls from two different people who did not know each other and said, “Is this corrections?” Luckily, I was able to help them both deal with what they were looking for. Our reputation is beyond us.

Between the two organizations that came together, there are over 70 years of experience. We continue to support the families that are out there. You can reach us at PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org. We are here to provide support and information.

Also, advocacy. That’s what is so important about what the two of you are doing here. I’m beyond honored to be involved in any way that I am. This population can feel so forgotten. The families out here can feel a level of discomfort and sometimes embarrassment around what’s happening. What the two of you are doing is really bringing that to the forefront and owning it. There is nothing embarrassing about this. It’s connection, love, support, and circumstance and seeing our way through all of that.

I say I keep a soapbox in my car because the more I can speak about it, the more I will.

That’s so important and why we do what we do. We want to raise awareness and want to remove the stigma. Whatever you’re celebrating as birthdays come up, anniversaries come up, and holidays come up, we wish that you find joy, that you can have joy, that you take care of yourself, and that we’ve helped a little bit. Thank you, everybody, and take care.

 

Important Links

• Prison Families Alliance
• Doing Our Time on the Outside
• Prison: The Hidden Sentence
• Davina Hehn
• Natalie Calderon and Becky Calderon – Past Episode
• Pelipost.com
• Google Play – Pelipost
• Apple App Store – Pelipost
• First episode – Navigating the Holidays With an Incarcerated Loved One
• https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=gaKqedrfhjc

 

About Barbara Allan

Barbara Allan’s life took an unexpected turn in 1966 when her husband’s imprisonment thrust her into a world she had never known. As a devoted schoolteacher, wife, and mother with no prior involvement in the criminal justice system, she grappled with feelings of isolation and confusion. Yet, in her search for solace, she discovered a community of individuals enduring similar pain.

Driven by her own journey, Barbara became a beacon of support by founding Prison Families Anonymous. Over the years, she has touched the lives of thousands, offering guidance and empathy to those navigating the complexities of having a loved one incarcerated. Her profound experiences culminated in the memoir “Doing Our Time on the Outside,” a testament to resilience and the human spirit.

Barbara’s advocacy extended far beyond personal narratives. She has addressed legislators, senate committees, and commissioners, shedding light on the challenges faced by families affected by incarceration. Her impactful writings, including a published piece in the Congressional Record, have amplified the voices of those often unheard.

Barbara co-founded Prison Families Alliance (PFA), an organization that extends its reach across the United States, providing vital support groups for anyone who has a loved one in the carceral system. As a co-founder, she champions a cause close to her heart, recognizing the hidden sentences served by families outside prison walls.

Barbara Allan stands as a compassionate leader and advocate, tirelessly working towards positive change and offers hope to those families on the outside the bars. Her unwavering dedication continues to pave the way for support and understanding in a challenging landscape.

 

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