Having an incarcerated loved one is hard enough but when the pandemic happened, it was made even harder. Join Julia Lazareck and Charrise Lothamer in this conversation about challenges encountered regarding visitation of an incarcerated loved one during the pandemic and how it differs prior to pandemic. Charrise is an advocate and participates with several groups that support families and advocates for life changes. She shares how she grabs the opportunity even if there are strict rules and protocols and how she maintains the connection with her husband despite this trying time. Let us dive into this meaningful show and witness how to transform grief into positivity and keep our families together.
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Listen to the podcast here:
Keeping The Connection With An Incarcerated Loved One During The Pandemic With Charrise Lothamer
I’m here with Charrise Lothamer, who has a loved one that’s been incarcerated for seven years. Prior to the pandemic, she’d visit every 2 or 3 weeks and come visit for seven hours. It’s been a tough year not seeing him. Now, visits are limited to two hours, twice a month. It’s a long, expensive trip so she tries to visit at least once a month. Visits are emotional because there’s no touch and they need to visit through a plexiglass partition. Charrise is going to share what it’s like having a loved one in the prison system. Charrise, thank you so much for being here and sharing with others. Could you tell us about your last visit prior to the pandemic? I think that’s a good story.
Everyone is just one decision away from where he is. Share on XMy last visit was in March. It was either March 7 or March 8, 2020. I knew things were getting bad with COVID. I told him I was going to come up. I was up there in February. We had a visit scheduled for the end of March. He said, “Wait until the end of March.” I said, “We’re going to come up. COVID is getting worse. I’m scared that they’re going to cancel visits.” After we went back and forth, he finally said, “Yeah. Come on up.” I was on my way up on Saturday. On my way up, I was about one hour outside of Vegas. I got a call that businesses are canceled indefinitely. We are not going to be allowed inside for visits. Technically, my last visit was February 24, 2020.
Who called you? Did the prison call you?
The visiting CO called from the prison. When he called, he apologized and he said, “Don’t worry when visits reopen, you’ll be one of the first ones in.” I held him to that.
Since things have opened up, were you able to visit?
NDOC announced on one of the last few days of April 2021. On May 1st, 2021, visits were going to be opened up in Nevada. They were going to be no contact visits through plexiglass. You have to wear a mask and it’s limited depending on the facility how many incarcerated can be in there but it was limited to two visitors over the age of five. I was able to visit in May 2021 for two hours and in June 2021, I’ve already gone up and visited him for two hours. It’s behind plexiglass. You both have to have a negative COVID test before you can even enter the visiting room.
Do they do the test there? Did you have to do it on your own and bring proof?
They do it there. You have to show up 45 minutes prior to your visit. They do the COVID questions. They take your temperature and do your COVID tests. It’s one of the rapid tests that come back in 15 minutes. You’d do that in your car then you’re allowed to go on up to the facility.
What was the visit like? You couldn’t touch them. You had this plexiglass. Can you even hear each other?
It was very hard. Not being able to touch him is a struggle. We could hear each other. We were the only ones in the visit. A lot of families don’t want to visit. They don’t want to take the drive for two hours for a no-contact visit. Some people travel up to 12 hours from Arizona or Southern California. We were the only ones in there. It was easy to hear him because we could talk louder and not worry about somebody else hearing our conversations. Not being able to touch him especially after we went 439 days without seeing each other, after that fourteen months, was hard.
How did he look?
He looked good. He said that I only took half of me because I lost so much weight. During COVID, I gained and then lost a bunch. It was hard. For two hours, you look and you’d sit across the table from somebody, talk and you’re like, “That’s going to go by slow but in a blink of an eye, it’s over.”
You want to reach out, touch him and you can’t.
I put my hands up on the plexiglass and he puts his hands up on and that’s the closest that we get to touch.
I was doing that myself, imagining it. How did you keep in touch during the pandemic?
NDOC was nice enough if that’s what you want to say. We’ve got two 30-minute calls a week, Tuesday and Fridays. They took emails. We were allowed to email them. They put emails down to $0.15 per email that we send them. I emailed him a lot and the free phone calls. He still called me a lot. I had to pay for it for him but a lot of letters. He doesn’t write letters but he got a lot.
Could you send pictures?
I sent a lot of pictures. Either through the kiosk, through email, those were still the $0.30. They didn’t lower those but then I’d spend a lot through the mail through either the photo apps or mail them from my house.
There was a lot to talk about when you guys got together. You stayed in touch. He knew what was going on.
There’s still a lot to talk about because you still have to talk loud and a lot of stuff we don’t want the CO hearing.
Let’s talk about what life was like before the pandemic? What were your visits like then?
We could hug, kiss and hold hands the whole time. I could feed him whatever vending machine food he wanted. He likes his hamburgers and they have these rip and dip things that he likes. There are these chips that he would always get and his iced teas. We would play games. We got pictures taken together every visit. Not that it was normal life but it’s the normal that we have.
There’s nothing normal about it but we adjust. That’s what we do. You said that you visited every 2 or 3 weeks?
I’d go up every 2 or 3 weeks.
Did anybody go with you?
My kids went up sometimes but not every time. We do like to have our visits alone but every other visit or whatever, they would go up.
How did they find out that he was incarcerated? How did you tell them?
We were talking and when I decided to go up to visit, I didn’t tell them for a little bit because of some stuff that happened in their past. When I felt it was time and the time was right, I told them that he’s incarcerated up in Carson City and this is what we’re doing. They were okay with it.
They were able to go visit with you and see him. He was their father figure so they have a connection with him.
He let my kids take the lead on their interaction with him but on the third visit, we were getting ready to leave that he went up there with me. My son started walking away and he pulled him and gave him a hug. He’s like, “You’re not getting away that easy from me this time.” He’s like, “I love you.” It was super sweet to see. He would play games with them and kick their butt at checkers
People don’t realize that when there is visitation, that it is family time. I remember the first time I visited and people were laughing, playing and doing things and I was like, “How could people be like this? This is serious.” I realized that it’s important to keep the family together, to visit and to spend that time. What you’re saying just proves that it keeps everybody together so that when he does come home, everybody still did have that relationship. Hopefully in-person and contact visits will happen sooner than later.
That’s what we’re hoping for and positive thoughts for. NDOC has made their requirements and it’s going to be hard to get to those requirements but they also change things overnight. We take it day by day and hope for the best.
How do you keep up with the regs and everything?
Here in Nevada, we have two amazing based groups that we have. We one that’s for support and one that’s more action-driven. Facebook and between the two of them, I’m an admin on one but the other one I participate heavily in. Between the two groups, somebody stays on top of the changes. There were two facilities down here in Vegas that the COs, I don’t know what happened. They decided that the incarcerated had to be vaccinated to have visits and they turned away people at the door, which is not how it is in Nevada. They do not have to have their vaccines to have visited but they are being taken care of. People have reached out and it’s been fixed. They’re getting from what I believe an extra visit or at least their visit back for June 2021.
Eat light and try to take some time for yourself to mentally clear your whole bundle of emotions. Take it day by day and hope for the best. Share on XHaving support is important and there are several groups here. Also, for clarification, CO is a Correctional Officer and NDOC is the Nevada Department Of Corrections, for anybody that’s reading that isn’t from Nevada. Every state is a little bit different. Visitation is a little bit different in every state. It’s important to get online and see what you can find out. Go to the facility site. They should have the regs on there. If there’s a local Facebook group for the facility, join those and communicate because that’s how we get information through communication and sharing.
I’ve seen information about different things that have happened during the pandemic. There was one point where you could only send black and white mail. You couldn’t use a blue pen. Everything had to be in black and white if you sent a flyer or anything. It’s important that you stay in touch with the different groups and with the site. You can call. Maybe you’ll get information, maybe you won’t but you can still call the facility. Let me ask you, Charrise, how did you prepare for visits because it’s not something very easy to do?
How do I prepare now or prior to COVID?
Talk about both. Is it different?
Prior to COVID, I always have to make sure that I had my vending machine money to feed him. If it was going to be me and him, I’d always take about $40 in to make sure that he had enough to eat because the vending machine food is not cheap. With my boys, I would take about $80. Hotel reservations and getting the time off of work. Making sure that my vehicle has its oil changed if it needed it and the tires were aired up. Making sure you had the right clothing because you can’t wear blue here in Nevada. You can’t wear shorts. You can’t wear white. I have my prison wardrobe and I have my everyday wardrobe.
Do you ever bring extra clothes?
I always take extra clothes just in case. I always have an extra pair of pants, extra shirts, extra underclothing in case the metal detector decides to go off.
Also, extra shoes because one week, what you can wear for shoes, the next week you can’t. How did you prepare emotionally?
Before, it wasn’t bad. On my first visit when I went up in May, it was almost like I was going up for my first visit. I was on my way up. I almost canceled because I was making myself sick. On my way up, it was, “What am I doing?” I got up there and I had to FaceTime some friends to get me to eat because I couldn’t eat. I felt so nauseous. It was nerves. It was excitement. He hasn’t seen me for fourteen months. What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? On the day of the visit, it was even worse. I went and got a coffee and I drank 3 or 4 sips and that was it.
I was crying in the parking lot before I even went in. It was a whole bundle of emotions. The COs were really cool, though. When I pulled up to get my COVID test, the one came up to me. He was like, “Welcome back.” It was cool. When I got through everything, I was standing in before I went into the visiting room. The one CO, we were talking. She welcomed me back. Before I went in, she was like, “I’m sure you missed him.” I’m like, “Yeah.” She’s like, “Embrace every second of it.” She’s like, “I understand these visits are hard and they’re important to you.” At least at my facility, they’re making it as good as it can be. I don’t want to say amazing because they’re not amazing because I can’t touch him but they’re at least making it where it’s as good as it can be.
A lot of people don’t get that support from the COs so it’s good that you’re able to get that support from the people that are there. Driving home, I know for me that was the toughest part.
My kids laugh at me. They know to take their phones and AirPods because when I come out, I listen to the same song over and over again and I cry.
Do you want to share what song that is or is that personal?
It’s personal. It’s for me and him. It’s hard and when I’m coming home from Carson, I have certain points where when I’m going up, I’m like, “I’m here. It’s happening,” but on the way home, it’s like, “I’m leaving.” It hits me at those certain points.
Does he call you the next day?
He calls me on the way home.
That’s even better.
Providing I have service because there are a lot of places between Vegas and Carson City that do not have service.
How often do you speak to him now that the pandemic is hopefully going away?
I wish I could say we talked as much as before. Unfortunately, I got a new job that I am not able to have my phone on me as much as I did at my previous job. At my previous job, it didn’t matter. I could answer my phone. Now, it’s not as much as neither of us would like. He told me that we both have to get used to it because he’s having a hard time dealing with the fewer phone calls too. It’s anywhere from 2 to 4 times a day, which a lot of people are like, “2, 3, 4 calls a day, that’s a lot. You should be lucky.” Considering some, I am lucky but to somebody not in this situation, when it’s mainly phone calls is what your relationship is. It’s not a lot when they’re only fifteen minutes because of what’s going on at my job. He called me at 7:15 and I was still sleeping because I worked sixteen hours, “Good morning. I love you. I’ll call you later.”
You get to hear his voice, though. It gets expensive too. People don’t realize that being on the outside, it’s financial as much as an emotional burden on the family.
I do have a pillow that I love him for doing this for me. I have a pillow that he records for me that I buy myself and then he records a message. I had one and it broke so he was able to do another one. I have my pillow when I don’t get to hear his voice through the phone, I at least have my little heart pillow.
How does that work? Do you put that in there?
Hallmark has little pillows. They have stars, hearts and a couple of others. I buy it and I take it out. It has a little record button. I hold it down and I hold the phone up to the record. It’s recorded through the phone. I don’t send anything to him. He records the message when we make sure that it’s on there then I switched to play. We have that. He does that for me. He hates doing it because he says he feels stupid but my last one broke and it’s been like 3 or 4 months. He called me on Memorial Day and he said, “Get your stupid pillow before I forget.” I was like, “I’m getting it.” It came in handy. When he got COVID and when we went through that two months of him having COVID, that pillow is what got me through it.
It’s important to stay connected not for him but for you. Is there anything else that you can share like ways for people to stay connected?
Letters help a lot. Phone calls as much as they can get and as much as you can answer. I’m learning right now you can’t always answer and it breaks my heart not to be able to answer his call when I see it coming in. You have to be there for each other. It’s not us out here for them but they have to be here for us too. Find the support groups that are in your state. I know there are some that are from wherever. The support groups that I’m in, specifically for Nevada, are amazing. I’ve met some amazing women in there that get me through when I questioned a lot or when I’m super depressed or sad. It’s been a hard year. When they got COVID, they got locked down. Having that support because those phone calls were a five-minute phone call, every 3 or 4 days. Having somebody that knew what I was feeling helped get me through it.
We have an online support group with people all over the United States. There are some people that don’t have support groups in their states or in their area. Being able to talk to people even if it’s another state or other parts of the state where people can’t get together, it’s helpful because there are so many things. As you said, “Nobody knows what it’s like unless you’ve been through it.” Being with other people that understand, like now, if you got your call you would be like, ‘It’s him.’ We’d pause this and say, ‘Go, talk.’” There are no questions.
It's okay to make mistakes but make sure to own up to those mistakes and shift your life. Share on XYou could be sitting around dinner. You get the call and you’re with people that understand. You step away and everybody understands or you can be on the phone with a girlfriend and, “It’s him. I got to go.” It’s something that we understand because we’ve been through it. When you get that call, you’ve got to take it. I understand when you said that when you can’t take it, you think of them and they are like, “I really want to talk to you and you’re not there.” I know that you pick it up as much as you can. You’re doing the best you can.
If I’m on the phone, they’re lucky if they get the whole, “He’s calling. I got to go. Bye,” There are some times that I just click it over it, “Sorry, I lost you.” He has his own special ringtone, which is a song I listened to on my way home and everybody knows it. If I’m at work, he calls and I’m not by my phone, somebody else answers my phone and comes running with it. They know how important those calls are for me.
You brought up a good point about people at work. They know. How do you let people know that your loved one is incarcerated and the choice of who you’re going to tell?
Honestly, I didn’t say anything for a couple of months because I didn’t want that stigma. They knew I had a boyfriend. I don’t want to say that I didn’t want the stigma on me but I don’t stand for anybody talking about him. “He’s in prison. What are you doing with him?” It’s not your business. Once I got past that hole, I don’t care. I have his picture up on my computer at work. If somebody is like, “Is that your boyfriend?” I’m like, “Yeah.”They’re like, “I never see him.” “He’s in prison.”
I don’t care. I have a handcuffs necklace on and people will ask me and they’re like, “What’s that for?” I’m like, “My boyfriend’s in prison.” We’re linked together through my handcuffs necklace. Stupid as that sounds, it keeps us connected in that way. Some people judge. Other people are like, “It’s your life.” The guys that I’m close with at work see how he makes me when he calls. They see now how I am that I’m getting visits back. They saw how I was prior to COVID and how I was after I came back from visits. They know he makes me happy and they want me to be happy.
It sounds like you’re surrounded by wonderful, supportive people and that’s so important. You’re honest. That’s how we raise awareness too, that it can happen to anybody. It’s people that we love and we’re not going to stop loving them. They’re still human. They’re not who what they did. They’re still a human being and they’re still lovable. Being able to support them and have them support you, you are supporting each other. That’s wonderful because you got to keep that relationship going and you’ll still be close when he comes home. If you guys weren’t connected now, think how difficult it would be if he came home. Now, he knows what’s going on in the family and outside. The things that are good and bad. Doing all that sharing and making you him a part of your life is important.
I like to tell people that everybody’s one decision away from being where he’s at and doesn’t make them a bad person. He’s still an amazing person. Did he make mistakes? Absolutely and he’s owned up to those mistakes. He’s taking care of those mistakes right now but he’s an amazing person. He loves me, loves my kids and accepts my kids. His family is amazing and has welcomed us into their family with open arms. I do keep him connected. I have a rule. If I’m going to spend over $100, I talk to him about it before I do. If I make a major decision, I talk to him about it just so he does feel that he’s involved in our relationship because it can be very one-sided. He is there and he has no control over what I do with the money and with life. For him to feel that he is involved in our relationship because he is 100% involved in our relationship, I need his opinion on everything whether he’s there or not.
Support is the most important thing. That’s what I hear from everybody. What’s going to help somebody incarcerated is that they know that they have support on the outside and what’s helping somebody on the outside that has somebody that’s incarcerated is to get support from the inside. This mutual support that you guys have is a beautiful thing. I can see that you’re glowing when you speak about him. We have spoken about a lot of different things and this might be a no-brainer but what are you looking forward to?
The day that NDOC takes these stupid rules or protocols or whatever you want to call them and says, visits are open as normal. I can go back up to Carson City to his facility and walk into the visiting room and him walk in. I can give him that ten-second hug and kiss. Hold his hand for seven hours. Feed him hamburgers and rip and dips. Play checkers and UNO. We love to play UNO but being able to touch him, I miss it.
When you have that visit, weren’t you saying that he has a favorite seat?
Yes. He just told me that when I was up there. We were talking about when visits open up as normal. I always have to be one of the first ones in the visiting room because he likes his special seat in the back corner. I think it’s because he can have his back up against the wall. I have to be there early, he says, to get his special seat.
It gives you more privacy too.
We’re up against the wall in the back corner. It just happened to be one of the first places I sat the first visit. He said he liked it back there and he would prefer to sit back there. That’s where I go. I’m always one of the first ones there. We can start laying up outside the gate at 7:45 AM. I’m usually in the parking lot by about 7:20. When I see people start walking up, I take off running for the gate.
How long do you have to wait if you’re first? Hopefully, he’s the first one out, not always so you get to spend more time with him.
Whatever I can do to make him happy, I try to do even if it’s waiting outside the gate for 30 minutes.
I would do the same. In everything, you’ve been through, for anybody that’s reading this that maybe hasn’t visited a loved one, what advice would you give them for getting prepared for that first visit?
Breathe and try to take some time to mentally clear yourself. It’s tough. That first visit, I was on my way up and I kept looking at my boys and I’m like, “What am I doing? Why am I doing this?” I questioned it all the way up but I didn’t know what to expect. It’s hard to even say what advice. Mentally, you have to prepare yourself but it’s also super exciting and so worth it. Make sure you breathe and you can get through it.
The first time is the hardest. I think you gave some good advice about how much money to bring and that when you get there, go ahead and get some things out of the vending machines right away when visitation starts again because things go fast.
It’s important for the facility because each facility is different on what you can take in. I know what we can take in with NDOC but I know different states have different guidelines and different rules. Taking the quarters and a clear bag. I know that no matter what state you’re in, it has to be in a clear bag. If you get the roll of quarters, it has to be out of the rolls. No cash is allowed. Make sure you have the proper amount in that sense.
Some states do allow dollar bills. It’s good to know what the rules are, how much money you could bring in and what you can bring. We could bring one key. Now, a lot of cars don’t even have keys but you can bring a coin, dollar bills, a package of unopened tissues and a comb. I think that was it.
We give our keys and our driver’s license to the COs before we go into the visiting room. All we take in is our quarters.
Every state is different so it’s important to know. To bring extra clothes is very important especially if you’re traveling a long distance and to know the rules.
Make sure you understand what clothes can and cannot especially for children. The first time I took my youngest in, he was in shorts. I want to say in Nevada it’s over the age of eight but I might be wrong on age but they’re not allowed to wear shorts. On top of that, they were blue. He had blue shorts going in to visit. Our COs at his facility are amazing but they make things very nice and easy. They allowed him to go in and said, “No more shorts next time.” Make sure you understand what kids can wear too because I didn’t even think about it for him.
There are so many things. If you have babies, how many diapers can you bring in, formula and all of that? Those are all things that you can find out in advance. You’ve shared a lot of valuable information. You showed how a family and a couple can stay together. How sharing’s important and involving your loved one in your life and everyday life, in decisions and staying connected, that’s all important. I want to thank you so much for your time.
Thank you.
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This is Julia. I want to take a minute to tell you about the Prison: The Hidden Sentence book. There are so many things that you need to know when a loved one’s taken into the prison system that nobody tells you. This book will provide valuable information to help you as you go through the stages of the prison system with your loved one. I also share stories so you know that you are not going through this alone.
Important links:
- Charrise Lothamer
- Prison: The Hidden Sentence
- https://TheFFIP.org
- https://www.Facebook.com/groups/474364596752490
- https://www.Facebook.com/ReturnStrong
About Charrise Lothamer
Charrise Lothamer is the mother of four and works multiple jobs to support her family. She also has two spoiled dogs that get long walks every day. To take care of herself she works out at the gym almost every day, too.
Growing up in a small town in Indiana, Charrise learned early on the importance of helping other people. Having a loved one in the prison system has raised her awareness on the effects of incarceration of families and she is an advocate to be the voice for those that are incarcerated that don’t have a voice.
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